So I walked into my house after a week at mom’s and I realized something. I’m a failure…I mean how do women do it? How do they juggle home, family, work and so forth. I watched my mom while I was visiting and she whisked around the room cleaning, doing laundry and everything. The funny thing is she seemed genuinely happy. Me on the other hand I dread cleaning and see it as a necessary evil. I guess I just don’t have the servants heart that she has.
That being said I am overwhelmed by how I will ever live up to my mom, granny, proverbs 31 and the plethora of other women I know who balance everything effortlessly. Also I keep seeing people reach milestones that I thought I would have accomplished by now. I thought I would already have a child and be content in my teaching job etc. It is at these moment in life when you can choose to wallow in self pity or to pick yourself up and let it motivate you to do better.
I don’t regret any of the choices I have made with Jeff. They were all choices that were prayerfully made and they have made us stronger people. In China, it was tough to be away from family, but it drew us together and made us able to effectively communicate and work together. Mississippi has grown me as a teacher in the many issues that I face that I have never faced before. We (Jeff and Jessi) are still working on how to be a content couple in the USA after having so much time together in China.
With the past behind me and the prospect of a new year in front of me, I am simply casting out these hopes or wishes for the New Year.
– I want to have a baby.
– I want to feel God in my life daily and do his will.
– I want to be closer to my husband and be the wife he needs me to be.
– I want to cook at home more and maintain a clean house (even if it kills me 🙂 lol).
– I want to move to a place where I can feel settled, where I have friends and family around me.
– Most of all at the end of this year I don’t want to feel like the failure that I am now!